Al Dente: Apple Pie Bites. Hold The Pie.

When are Apple Pie Bites not in fact bits of Apple Pie? When they’re bites of delicious datey apple cashew yumminess that don’t facekick your calorie count for the day but also don’t taste of sadness and dust either, that’s when! Let’s do this! Victor!

The simple fact that the ingredients list is so tiny should tip you off to how easy these things are to make. Here’s what we’re looking at:

-Cashew nuts


-Apple rings



-Dates. That are not pitted. You should check this.

-Rolled oats.

So, here’s what you do. First off, take the following:

-1/2 teaspoon of salt

-1/2 teaspoon of ground nutmeg.

-1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon

And mix them together. Then, conduct the highly scientific test of sticking your finger in it, licking your finger and seeing if you like the taste. Tweak it till the stuff’s in there in the right amounts for you (Also wash your finger, obviously) and then drop that in the bottom of a high sided mixing bowl.

Next, electrical appliances! Take a cup of dates, a cup of cashew nuts and a cup of apple rings and blend them down till they’re about the size of peas. What could go wrong?


Everything I’m doing in this photo, aside from the rocking PJ bottoms of course, is wrong. How wrong? So wrong only this Ghostbusters 2 clip can correctly articulate the level of wrongosity.


He’s right, too. Can you see what I screwed up there?

-Firstly, that’s ludicrously over stuffed.There’s a full cup of dates and a full cup of cashews in that bad boy.

-Secondly, the dates? Are not pitted.

-Thirdly, the dates? Have pits.


Don’t do this. The weird little plastic twig thing in your date tray is not some odd form of decoration. It’s there to pit the dates. If you don’t, and if you overstuff your blender and try and blend them a few times two things will happen. Firstly, your ingredients will look a little like Hannibal Lecter really couldn’t be bothered tonight and sort of apathetically hacked at stuff while listening to opera and talking about Peer Gynt.

So a usual Tuesday.

Secondly, your blender will get ANGRY at you. Your kitchen will smelt of angry gears and before you know it you decide to maybe have a little sit down away from the thing right after you’ve turned it off at the wall, just in case.

Pit your dates, kids. Secret of the universe.

Once you’ve had a cup of tea and sidled up to your blender going ‘We cool? We COOL.’ then you can try again. Single ingredient at a time, pulsed down to pea size. Then, in a second high sided bowl, mix them all together.

Then? Go to town. The dates are sticky and goopy, the cashews will go everybloodywhere and the apple rings will be remarkably well behaved. Knead them, mould them, squish them until you get a pancake that looks like the one above. Once you’ve got that? Chop it into 5 straight sections. Then, chop those sections into four. Then, roll them around in your hands and make them into balls.

Heh. Hands.

Once that’s done, drop them all in the other bowl and wash your hands. This will take a while. Those dates are enthusiastic. Once that’s done, roll the other bowel around in horizontal circles like you’re panning for gold. After a few minutes, the balls will all be coated in the spices you prepared earlier and look like this!

Just, y’know, in focus!

Then, put them in the fridge. This recipe makes about 20 and they’re around 100 calories a time. Even better, they’re slow burn calories and if you get the spice mix right you get this lovely salty kick followed by the sweet, meaty dates. Make them, love them, make them again and maybe buy your blender some flowers. It deserves it. Mine certainly does. Next time, Tortilla Soup! Which is absolutely a thing!


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